1. Clicking fingers
This will really piss off your waiter. Start clicking your fingers and yelling ‘ey!’ – they will absolutely pay you attention if you do and put you top of their priority list! Try it out and see what happens.
2. Grab the waiter’s attention then take ages to decide
Better if you do this on a Saturday night. Wave frantically and grab their attention as though it’s an emergency and then take ages to decide if you want a coffee or just a bottle of water.
3. Order drinks and when the waiter comes back, order another drink
Order a small beer for a laugh and then when they bring it back order 3 more drinks and ask for a menu. Then when they come back order a coffee and say you don’t want any food and then when they come back again say you’d actually like a pizza.
BUT when they walk past wave them over and tell them you don’t want tomatoes on it when the pizza has already started cooking so they have to tell the chef and the chef gets pissed off.
4. Lie about something, they won’t know!
You’ve just arrived but you want to order before all the other people who arrived before you, tell them you’ve been waiting 25 minutes. They won’t realise. They’ve not clocked you walking in, gave you menus and checked the time to see how long you have been waiting so make up any time you like!
5. When they’re carrying a heavy tray, stop them and have a chat
Ahh with all the medical marvels out there these days, there will surely be a way to cure chronic back pain somewhere in the future. Test their balancing skills and really see how long it takes for their knees to buckle.
Customer: Are you on a working holiday?
Waiter: No I live here
Customer: So you just work out here for the summer?
Waiter: No I live here and visit England for a couple of months to see family and make extra money
Customer: Oh you lucky thing, must be really nice working out here
Waiter: No, no it’s not really it’s hard work
Waiter: *runs to kitchen and throws tray down*
Customers: wow she’s very dedicated to her job running around like that
6. Don’t like something? Tell the waiter
Make sure the waiter is told off for the food that wasn’t good standard. After all, they look the smallest and most vulnerable and the chef looks like he might shout back so best to find the female waiter who looks ready to crack under pressure.
7. Ask a waiter out
They’ve been waiting ALL day for a sweaty, large sunburnt belly to ask them out and love it when they’re asked ‘do you wanna go to a club?’ Followed immediately by ‘Are you single?’
Priorities first. Make sure they like clubs before you find out whether they’re available OR actually want to be available.
8. Expect something in return for recommending the business
A couple of people have been recommended by a friend. The friend then says ‘I brought you customers, what do I get?’
The waiter will definitely get down on their hands and knees, kiss their feet, worship the them and then hand craft them a medal out of their sweat and tears. Godly.